THE PRINCE OF PERSIA : What Is Yellow Cake?

The English make some of the best slaves - even before Shakespear, even in the eleventh century. And most especially for the children. They inculcate the superior attitude and are generally blissfully patient and sublimely ignorant. They have the widest eyes and the easiest laughs. Take Prince Dustan as the example. He went from runaway slave to prince by staging a passion play before the Shah. He never looked back. He taught the greatest army of Assassins English. How you ask? Within an enlightened empire, slavery is basically a pg-13 movie. So long as life's too skillful to bleed, romance too complicated to consummate, and evil's sleepless but incredibly unlucky, the hero entertains. Just so Gemme Arterton continues to elevate the British Field Agent to comedic heights. Her stoic and bickering Princess of Alamut elevates the sporting English slave to clever sacrificial pawn and chessmaster par excellence. Together, the pair of English slaves circle each other :

he - 'lift the lever'

she - 'give the dagger'

he - 'lift the lever'

she - 'give the dagger'

he - 'lift the lever'

she - 'give the dagger'

And all without yelling, screaming, or singing. Indeed, the repetitious nature of 'give the danger' writing made famous by hollywood's fools inflicts upon the richest of languages a search for silences of greater paradox than their millennia of existence in amusing vanity. Sasha Baron Cohen is but last victim of this gay and sometimes disastrous fashion.

Dustan, the English master of Nasaf, is like many Uzbeks, accomplished in engineering, the physics 'Newtonian,' and guessing ('statistics'). Of course he is most able bodied. Like his father, the Shah, he is a philosophical master and believes in giving weapons to his enemies. The Shah is a man of note : 'You must have more than implicating evidence to occupy a holy city.' English has problems with 'holy' or 'sacred.' One may easily define 'holy' or 'sacred' as 'vastly implicated,' or 'permious,' though most prefer, 'meaningful beyond hypocrisy.' Accordingly, Dustan is encouraged to be more than 'good,' but 'great,' meaning, 'statistically good' rather than just tragically good. The rest of the film follows the search for a weapon of mass destruction that would unleash an end to sand storms with something like a giant underground bomb.

So Dustan transforms from a meek English teacher -

example #1

Dustan - 'Cousin, your hand's on your sword again.'

Cousin - 'Where it should be!'

...

example #2

Dustan - 'I didn't kill father; I wouldn't do such a thing.'

Nizam - 'Your actions would say otherwise.'

- to an English teacher worthy of slow motion photoptic wizardy -

Dustan - 'A king listens to the advice of his council but always listens to his heart.'

Dustan - 'You had what every man could ever dream of having: respect and family but that was not enough... (you alone deserve death!)'

Some may object to the idea of allowing meager slaves to keep the power of the annihilation. The English are too repetitive and do not understand the changeable nature of things. They believe silence, confusion, and desperation to be the greatest solutions for ignorance. Perhaps, but they continue to consider Australia as their fate and noone else's. No English could attempt using the sands of time before falling off Australia. They are interested in carbon storage more and more.

In closing, the making of sand akins the brewing of water. Water is big business. Sand it seems is not. Ah ha, so you see Mike Newel, baking sand is and always was big business, very good. You achieved in crafting a fine movie for children who are in ignorance of boogie men and victor's demise but strangely not yellow cake.

DATE NIGHT : Compromising National Security

As the significant audience member, I like it when the terrorists aren't just whiners - when they're winners. It adds realism to the bag. Like when sometimes the terrorist must survive without killing anybody. Thanks Jesus this is considered edgy too or the terrorist would lose his draw for eternity.

Thank You, 'Date Night,' for the suggestion that, Hells Yeah, awkward is the terrorist's holy ace of many sleeves. And so awkward was cool. And so awkward made a movie of a public display of sim-robot-simul-sex to save the children to make awkward subversion and therefore terrorism. The programming of fake family drama for the Las Vegas hotel audience is subversion too and therefore terrorism. Performing the slow version because the fast version gives the snarfs is subversion, terrorism, and potentially hypnosis. So we observe lip sinking within a vacuum of entertainment as subversion too. 'Date Night,' the awkward, subverse me more. 

Thank you Mila Kunis, James Franco is not forgotten. 

Pitiful action might be awkward for the sympathetic, but relentlessly it's just too terrorist for contextualized words. Camping out concentration is a truly tried european model for killing people. And 'Date Night' proves the europeans are still wanting blood lust.

The lonely cohabitation of Tina Fey and the Brick is arrhythmically retarded enough to debase any pretense of international release by product obviously edited by the self same f.b.i. counter intelligence program that has found new life with 'straight to subtitles' major motion releases. Censoring the Brick, the wholly expressive weathervane of do-good vapidity only exposes the precarious regime of the current media monopoly and the certain changes that will surely bring more explication comedy to the world. People want to hear people in a controlled environment get on with it. Jim Carrey's naughty bottom makes more sense than all of this movie. Soothly, 'Date Night' might be the first straight to dub-over major motion dvd offering from the Americans. Time will reveal the internets ultimate decision on the quality of the out-takes.

ROBIN HOOD : For Love Of Waldeir

Robert the Loxsly is son of Waldeir Loxsly and husband to Marion of Loxsly and has gone waring never to return. When a man, poacher, scout, archer, and carnie recovers the sword of the dying Robert and the crown of the seizing Ricard, he, Robin Longstrider, must return the French objects to their English mits. He is not knave, and knows he will never get paid for walling with the dead king, Ricard the Lionhearted, long live the king. A mere mercenary would have made for the first band of rich people with the crown but Robin is English and knows a crown may only get him fartherthings.

Meanwhile, London's in peril, a French King plans to leave France to Ricard the seizer, because he has learned from experience that, '[He] can take London with an army of cooks.' So he's planning to ally his cooks with the British cooks who collect taxes and speak passible French, like Mark Strong (Godfrei). Mark Strong likens English to a gate he may speak and has much moxy. Such is the world of men into which Robin was abandoned; they all know Little. Kevin Durand plays the Little John with his famous staff.

Sir Ridley Scott recreates another wonderful baddie in the King John of England who doesn't even seem to know Little. This king takes credit for everything: 'I broke [mama's] skin more she did mine.' He believes the role of government is to encourage criminality by stealing private gains. Which is why the English are known to say, 'The King is dead, long live the King!' He can take a ribbing. So wise men in England like Friar Tuck keep wonderful things like bees: 'I keep them and they keep me.' Friar Tuck must make happy drunks who will only steal from themselves in this Dark Age.

Waldeir the Loxsly is blind. He cannot keep the crown from stealing English seeds to plant French crops even though such behavior will clearly lead to a French cook crusade. But Robin does with his band buzzed Merry Men. Robin plays a catchy defender of bridges. 'None shall pass,' is line that will board many in England. Waldeir teaches Robin that he can learn to carve stone but first he must learn to carve paper since he has already learned to carve people. Sir Godfrei the French rascal kills Waldeir Loxsly as the sacking of London commences with the sacking of Northerly villages. The greatly motivated Robin faces the scared King John and makes him promise to promise to stop over taxing. So the Northern English come to rescue the Southern English from the French Marines. John is so happy everything worked out that he decides to redouble his efforts and make Robin the permanent outlaw Robin Hood to force him to spend all his days carving wood.

IRON MAN 2 : Vulkan

'Welcome back to the Stark Expo - everything is achievable through technology - better living - leaving more time from life's activities...' Yes, 'life is activity.' Especially if amounting to nothing is a personal profit margin shared with nobody. In which case, thank you Russian Technical Education, you should be marked for very personal death. Or obvious body snatching. 'We believe in you Iron Man?' 'God Bless America and God Bless Iron Man?' COME ON!

Frickin' Jesus H. Christ could only muster water skis. Tony Stark invents new elements and straight up flies and the Suit of Steel needs community ego stroking by a living personality cult?

I get it, 'tears of the cyborg,' totally sounds like a deploying ballistic calamity. IF YOU VOTE FOR ROBOTS! Let's face it, Chemistry Failure is so Superman and therefore Batman. Iron Man's only existential crisis is a shooting-script. Maybe Tony Stark can't multitask paint job but not even the Stone Masons can confuse Iron Man! Except, perhaps, the families alcoholic. But Tony Stark drinks to attract sleepless enemies from commandeering time zones outside of the San Andreas Faultline of course! He's a superhero! 

"Anthony Stark possesses a sword of untold possibilities and he insists it's a shield." Yes, Iron Man 2 is replete with stumpy writing. If there is an Anti Empire Strikes Back, Iron Man 2 is it. Superman 3 it is not. Even though Nick Fury does't punch anybody out, celebrating a birthday is superhero for drunk. So what if Jimmy Buffet still lives in stereo, so what? Hermeneutic perfection is an engineer with a night job: "My bond is with the people; you can count on me to pleasure myself," is a campaign promise for the working folk who know ACDC to be in the spirit of Jimi. Anyone who donates millions of dollars of inane modern art to the Boy Scouts of America to dwarf is pro progress. 'Yes we can,' is the supreme technocrat who knows not to, 'Say windfarm - it gives me gas,' because nothing is impossible and everything takes time, which is why the evil competition proports, 'As revolutionary as this technology is, there will always be a place for man in the theater of war,' for me to target! Destruction, is not so much a scientific exercise as a mixed metaphor: 'let's just focus on arming it... make god bleed; people will cease to believe... and the sharks will come.' 

Iron Man may be scared of the likes of Mickey Rourke and his escapades but in the end he doesn't have the time to dialogue with the great aquatic and that's why we wait for Iron Man 3. Because Mickey is a worldly and interesting supervillian and Tony Stark still pretends to be Robert Downy Jr. so he killed his latest co-star.

BOUNTY HUNTER : The Best Man Wins

Go to the corner of crescent and get the news to deliver your ex-wife to jail for disrespecting the same court that granted her such a speedy divorce. Do so and collect five thousand dollars. Now this is a video game concept Hollywood! A fun video game that can be funny but doesn't have to be. Enough with the scripted documentaries on explosions already! Who's running Hollywood - a Chemistry failure?

Woman may be more the sensitive sex, but man is most immature, most vain, and most selfish and therefore a better mother, because it takes a sensible man to teach a child about the real world. Real men do not allow reporters on their team. Jennifer Aniston is a reporter. Sure, she herself discourages another reporter from helping her be a reporter, but this changes nothing. She claims,'I'm an adult,' and she has adult problems like investigating the suspicious details of a suspicious suicide. Apparently, neither the police nor the helpful reporters hate investigating suicides enough for this reporter who needs help.

Guy Butler is not police. He is a bounty hunter. Superstar detectives get all the evidence, but bounty hunters just get all the state sponsored prejudice. Guy Butler was married to Jennifer Aniston but now has a real judge to date with a 'smoking hot body' who is a 'great cook.' Teresa is her name. Jennifer Aniston is so jealous that she blows on Guy Butler's dice to get him to release her from her fate of jail. Guy Butler ends up blowing on his own dice and obviously loses all his money. 'You are not the boss of me' points out Jennifer Aniston who can tame Guy Butler with tears.

Bounty Hunter is an old fashioned flick which features a 3-d golf ball effect that would make Robin Williams nod in somber approval, a golf cart chasing a caddie, and the inimical talents of Carol Kane! In the end, the man who couldn't decide what color to wear admits that 'Life's about making mistakes and death is about wishing you made a whole lot more.' So Guy Bulter gets the girl. Jennifer Anniston falls back in love with Guy Butler in jail.

KICK ASS : Martyr Turns To Home Schooled

Ever been to the house of the rich kid? The one with all the bad candy. Why does he live alone? Why is the father always absent? Why does the kid waste your time? 'Big brother. Watch and learn.'

Enter the American high school space cadet. What once was drugs, music, jokes and bravado is now clandestine pornographic internet surfing and copious amounts of antidisestablishmentarianism. What he really wants to do in life is dress in a costume and help others. Alas, 'it's fucking hard to be a superhero.' Bad guys exist and the superhero has to be - badder. At school, the space cadet's rumored homosexual. At home he buys a sporty wetsuit and poses in front of the mirror, facing up the eventuality of staring danger down.

Enter Mark Strong. This is an R - rated film. Brutal and gratifying. And then an eleven year old girl steals the action and the show and we the audience realize that most of the stars are children who could't get into the movie theater to watch themselves maim and fuck. So what's going on here? Nicholas Cage... Again? Oh, home schooled vengeance - !

It's true that there are street thugs performing petty felonies but they usually work for a truly bad guy who practices graft, extortion, racketeering, money laundering, vengeful home schooling on such international dimensions with such rabid velocity that he cannot continue as a corporate criminal without a little petty crime - like black mail, grand theft auto, assault. So our Martyr gets knifed for bringing batons, a big mouth and a day glow ninja suit to prime turf in the struggle for life. Go Martyr go! And he does, returning a godless Martyr to stupefy a three person gang in front of a crowd recording idiocy on the latest gadget: 'Yeah, I'd rather die than let three assholes lay into some guy while everyone else watches.' And so the martyr suffers internet broadcast beatdown to save another.

Of course internet fame destroys the martyr and he attempts messenger. Apocalyptic Mistake. Once there were singing telegrams that could gayly ruin the day of the most feared individual and prance away with a tip - now there are day glow 'ninjas' who don't sing or dance and desperately need an 11 year old girl's home schooled endowment but will never get it because yet another generation of female assassins blossoms in the west to bloody the socially uncouth with heart breaking artistry and mind numbing rocksteady muzak. Bollywood must stop this Hollywood monster once and for all. Give peace a chance - this movie does not.

Need help? Can't get it because the world is run by a King Pin and an eleven year old ballerina with fake i.d.s, government information, advanced weapon skills, and expertise in all your prospective jobs? Well you're right, one will just sell you bad candy and the 11 year old will answer a cry for help with, 'Need help? Contact the mayor's office. He'll put a sign in the sky of a giant cock, gaylord.' Whaddya want kid? Childhood is way overrated and knowing is only half the battle, because sooner or later your going to have to fuck somebody. Knowing, practicing and fucking people keeping you from your job is something worth living for. Matthew Vaughn, I salute you, this movie is SOOOOO TALIBAN. 'It's ball deep in your juristication.' 'And I fuck you very much' for your portrayal of New York. 'This is how you brain wash.' The fact is, 'We can no longer continue to broadcast due to the extreme violence of what's now being broadcast live on the internet - what we presume to be a live execution,' is the state of things. Everything's under control. The big guys get the bazooka against an 11 year old girl because they weren't home schooled, and admitting that you're a cowherd is the first step to avoiding doomed confrontation. Lehigh em' Matthew Vaughn, Lehigh em' til' death do you part...

GHOST WRITER : Looks Could Kill

I don't know if Machiavelli would approve of theater about two Prime Ministers - former and present - fighting over the services of a writer as they moralize to the death, but I'm sure he'd consider it comedy. The fashion show of cinema has drawn Roman Polanski from the world of demons to news of Swiss politics. Yeah, it's, 'war on terror,' now and forever, til avalanche due us part. Thankfully, it's mostly down hill.

Politician: 'The worst thing about my life - it's so boring - I'm so out of touch.'

Writer: 'How does it feel to be so out of touch? How does it feel to be so hated... loved?' 

('Like an avalanche is loved hated?' thinks the writer...)

Of course politicians are actors that wrestle their egotism instead of reading and paying. Politicians should pay for spying don't you think? The taxes do that you say? They pay for the machines and algorhymthems? You can't be serious. The world's changed. Serving others by seeking royalties for government business is to be guilty of corruption. Secret Service should not mean self serving. Self service is private. A patriot of little else but pageantry and denial undoes his country through ignominious royalty. He feeds on deniability and makes glorious ignorant suspicions instead of capacities. I feel like period. You feel you me? A politician is like a child, he's merely punctuated, and so should be seen - not heard - unless of course he serves the greater artistry.

Enter : concept : ghostwriter.

A ghostwriter is a reporter who publicizes those who cannot tell their own stories because they've already been so wildly successful cheating others that they can't be trusted authorship for fear that they might cheat themselves and further frustrate a readership bordering on revolt. Very true, Roman Polanski, very true. God loves peace and is quite the ghostwriter. Ghostwriters don't threaten people, ghosts merely publish heros too stingy to admit that writing is the historian's art form.

Writer: 'Did you ever want to be a proper politician?'

Politician: 'Did you ever want to be a proper writer?'

Writer: 'Ouch. Ghosts are gentle spirits.'

John Belushi - good American - Tom Wilkinson - bad American. Not since Peter Seller's Clare Quilty, has the Brown Recluse been so stunningly portrayed on film. 'Bipolar relationships In A Multipolar World,' is perfectly ironic title for an artificial science, and therefore perfectly so pedantic a cover don't you think?

Way past the point where Google would take care of your ignorant paranoia with a single 'feeling lucky' button, there's a ghost in the machine making sure nothing gets blown and all that's black and white and red all over continues to be the news... Which would otherwise tend to be blue if not tragically black and bleakly capped like the North Sea.

When secretary has become walking stick, writer has become secretary, and prostitute has become publicist, the politician can play-act psychiatrist, priest, and whistleblower, and the ghostwriter can have an agent and the media a moon-raking union. Muck rakers used to expose the worst our society had to offer to dare the politician to form a more perfect union. Now, armed with late breaking news, politicians rake us like coal, oil, mandatory minimum sentences, breeding a more perfect state to unite coutry sides to traditions of justice and ignorance.

Machiavelli would be proud:'we had our disagreements,' (regarding mass murder), 'but we always stayed close,' some how encodes, 'the last guy committed war crimes - not me - I'm against that - anyway - he couldn't stand before my stunningly fair tribunal because he got what he had coming to him and now he's dead. So let's gather together in solemn continuity because war is officially civil before martial.'

Mr. Polanski has officially earned the right to direct operas... er, music videos.