KICK ASS : Martyr Turns To Home Schooled

Ever been to the house of the rich kid? The one with all the bad candy. Why does he live alone? Why is the father always absent? Why does the kid waste your time? 'Big brother. Watch and learn.'

Enter the American high school space cadet. What once was drugs, music, jokes and bravado is now clandestine pornographic internet surfing and copious amounts of antidisestablishmentarianism. What he really wants to do in life is dress in a costume and help others. Alas, 'it's fucking hard to be a superhero.' Bad guys exist and the superhero has to be - badder. At school, the space cadet's rumored homosexual. At home he buys a sporty wetsuit and poses in front of the mirror, facing up the eventuality of staring danger down.

Enter Mark Strong. This is an R - rated film. Brutal and gratifying. And then an eleven year old girl steals the action and the show and we the audience realize that most of the stars are children who could't get into the movie theater to watch themselves maim and fuck. So what's going on here? Nicholas Cage... Again? Oh, home schooled vengeance - !

It's true that there are street thugs performing petty felonies but they usually work for a truly bad guy who practices graft, extortion, racketeering, money laundering, vengeful home schooling on such international dimensions with such rabid velocity that he cannot continue as a corporate criminal without a little petty crime - like black mail, grand theft auto, assault. So our Martyr gets knifed for bringing batons, a big mouth and a day glow ninja suit to prime turf in the struggle for life. Go Martyr go! And he does, returning a godless Martyr to stupefy a three person gang in front of a crowd recording idiocy on the latest gadget: 'Yeah, I'd rather die than let three assholes lay into some guy while everyone else watches.' And so the martyr suffers internet broadcast beatdown to save another.

Of course internet fame destroys the martyr and he attempts messenger. Apocalyptic Mistake. Once there were singing telegrams that could gayly ruin the day of the most feared individual and prance away with a tip - now there are day glow 'ninjas' who don't sing or dance and desperately need an 11 year old girl's home schooled endowment but will never get it because yet another generation of female assassins blossoms in the west to bloody the socially uncouth with heart breaking artistry and mind numbing rocksteady muzak. Bollywood must stop this Hollywood monster once and for all. Give peace a chance - this movie does not.

Need help? Can't get it because the world is run by a King Pin and an eleven year old ballerina with fake i.d.s, government information, advanced weapon skills, and expertise in all your prospective jobs? Well you're right, one will just sell you bad candy and the 11 year old will answer a cry for help with, 'Need help? Contact the mayor's office. He'll put a sign in the sky of a giant cock, gaylord.' Whaddya want kid? Childhood is way overrated and knowing is only half the battle, because sooner or later your going to have to fuck somebody. Knowing, practicing and fucking people keeping you from your job is something worth living for. Matthew Vaughn, I salute you, this movie is SOOOOO TALIBAN. 'It's ball deep in your juristication.' 'And I fuck you very much' for your portrayal of New York. 'This is how you brain wash.' The fact is, 'We can no longer continue to broadcast due to the extreme violence of what's now being broadcast live on the internet - what we presume to be a live execution,' is the state of things. Everything's under control. The big guys get the bazooka against an 11 year old girl because they weren't home schooled, and admitting that you're a cowherd is the first step to avoiding doomed confrontation. Lehigh em' Matthew Vaughn, Lehigh em' til' death do you part...