300 RISE OF AN EMPIRE : 40,000 English Years

Simon Duggan's arrogant attempt to sink 3D with his glaucoma project is only eclipsed by the Legendary mastery of an NC-17 drum that failed to mute the Victorian death mask and ultimate irony of the little clown that could: Ms. Eva Green - star.

At least Quintin Tarantino is dying softly someplace failing to predict mass cinematic violence with botched script writing.

Zach Synder deserves credit for ramping up to Greek on Greek violence with an elegantly manifold monologue of sight and sound as an assistant script writer to secessionist Frank Miller.

Should the butcher of Superman fail to address the Paeleopenesian war in such a careful battle of the bulge, Frank Miller will surely speak with a received pronunciation for the end of time.

40,000 English Years is a story for the young and old and for children of all ages who need to hear what Russian music sounds like without the infernal bagpipes. And in addition, fornication has never been so eloquently distilled as one woman's choice to bear arms. So this film is religious. 

Like the other other movie nobody wanted to watch in 2013, Terminator 5 her lone survivor is the fall of the decadent empire of artists that believe they are actors and so die poorly convincing little audience of their mortality.

Kids, not all baddies wear claws as a hat and willfully commit the multi-nation-state sin of Greek antidisestablishmentterrainism like Tarsem Singh or screw-up demi-god like the rock Alex Rodriguez, but if Zach Synder isn't careful, Jack Malinowski's 'Versus,' will never happen and the Paeleopenesian War will never successfully happen door to door body to body.

There is enough rigorous philosophy and historically accurate application of magic proved in forged molten metal in real time to back up the annoying trailer of a little dead Greek artist and the ironically sarcastic smirk of Lady Liberty the French Hungarian Spartan Gorgeous.

Let Frank Miller remind us all of the people of sarcasm – when ironic – deadly – when sarcastic -forever.

40,000 English years of the miracle of the British Empire of Sticks awaits the third installment of the Balkan flag of Buysanteuhm: black, purple in a streaking sun...

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS : Predator 18

There comes a time, a time to make the world a better place, for peace, for peace and the whole world human race!

Something like that goes something pretty good like that if it comes from the Thermal Nuclear Detonator the Predator from the great March 18 holiday the sacred 18th of the Church of Carrie Fisher blogger masonary that is at once ubiquituous and secret and out to get the cities that they built. (Or says the first Celtic Slavic droner Barrack Obama)

Anyway,

The pirates Pawel Malaszynski, Marcin Dorocinski, and Eliza Recembel are thin and Muslim and black so black that they are not in the red and don't even need to read the only black and white sandpainting from Tibet about a Nuclear Promise to find out what the four seasons is and how much it costs to stay there like unhappy people. (The rest of us)

The hero is one of the last ethnic Massholes in all of the Ukraine. (Much like one of the pirate leaders, 'Kuba.')

'Nuff said, he flies the flag fantastic – Greek, Uruguay and yes, yes the Stars and Stripes of Star Spangled Banner fame.

Too bad he can't defend trillions of dollars worth of peace-keeping sustenance called your life and times with a little honest killing.

Instead, he has to club Navy Seals to push the impossible and still deadly Paul Robeson to defeat his own industrial designs with military force like a good pupil of the Italian master as the still orbit and good UFO Divici. (Leonardo) {Over 500 and still – yes – without fangs.} [Predator]

So little has to be said and much has to be done to make living worth living so that the famous Masshole people may continue to live their proud life of ethnically unversified lonely people of non-Louisana, non-Chicago, non-Dixie, the non-Texas of non-New York, New York the non-Atlantic and never even Californian the ignoramus fibber of lost accentation like Liberty Island the so on.

SO

The Predator 18 lives killer fear, because the nurse is a Louisiana dyke and blows up the calm general Predator with her Germanic episode. (A monumental film of epoch proportions that shall stand now and forever a blockbuster despite your insistence that pirates have guns and Predators - ninjas)

EXPENDABLES 2 : Conventional Microwaves

Not even the most expensive movie in the history of TV movie blockbusters, Clear History, (Or Rumor Has It 2) can touch the equal opportunity employment motivational pizazz of Expendables 2.

Yes, Larry David continues to redefine damage control after decades of Woody Allen intolerance, but, at the end of the day, Larry really kills nobody.

Not so with Expendables 2. These heroes don't use bombs and they're not above wrecking others with their personal property to prove it.

These heroes believe in conventional warfare and the first-strike capabilities of detterence and definitely definitely speak English as a second language as well as they speak English as a first language.

But Expendables 2 is more than a blockbuster -it's a carefully constructed Atombomb of movie – it's a performance art movie – and totally fit for the mute, subtitled censorship of bar and gym TV screens everywhere since it features – more than anything else – forced nonchallance and the greatest performance artists of performed nonchallance in the microwave era.

Which means, through its awkwardness, it would be a great replacement for most of network news programming, commemorating the death of honor and the beginning of lies in the industry of lies – first strike conventional warfare.

So yeah, Expendables 2 represents the death kneel of the cult classic as the full-on Hollywood protest flick and really marks the first time Americans have ridiculed the vanity of speech-acts in the mobile nuclear era since Denzel Washington screwed everyone in the Meg Ryan classic, 'Courage Under Fire.'

Why do you think Dolph Lundgren gets a laugh?

Perhaps no other piece of performance art has captured the overall borishness of the self-publishing age. We live in a post-karate world where the foot to the face needs Scott Adkins and a knife and a diet to really impress anyone anymore now that Mixed Martial Arts has proven that grapling rules.

Simon West masterfully delivers... performance art... as a blockbuster... that is cult... to the globe... as a message... to the stars... that insures a continuation of what will surely be known as the cult American franchise of the past in the future!

Revenge is personal and if people think that hard men are bad for spreading evil to live in the world, they might consider that they are the energy crisis they claim to be fighting by taking anything before the lives of those green revolutionaries of the Nukes that spread this pronoun fusion in politics, microwarves, Fukushimakon!

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES : Pacific Fallout

It took a Down-Under Common-Wealth English-Speaking Brit to screw up Gotham but good.

The trailer of this Dark Knight installment features a flying nuclear car and that was enough to drive the crazed crazy in this post-Fukushima Pacific Fallout world that the laptop literate live in, but the ocean-travelling desert dweller Director Noland, it seems, was aiming his billion-dollar-a-babylonian-bing franchise squarely at the worst comic book ever written: a graphic novel!

Nuclear Batman spawned by perverted Joker might not have had such a violently negative reception if it didn't represent the ninja talents of the greatest actor of the British-speaking world: Christian Bale!

And the last thing people want to see is life imitating the last generation of art!

But I've said too much. Noland's Dark Superman D.C. universe is in peril and the last thing I want to see stolen is an idea after having to remember that some Eurasian South African named Blomkamp scalped the self-destruction navigational concept from The Light Speed Documentary to the Damon of Matthew to provide Elysium with a third act!

Which is why the movie industry reprojected Batman Vs. Superman for May 2016.

21.

The Dark Knight Rises is a cautionary tale with a Nuclear Bomb without Japan, explaining its extreme worldwide popularity in Imperial Cuniform.

It does a good job delivering a Cat Woman and reimagining the Columbian Muscle-lord Bane as another anarchic Brit that would rather wreck the world than take a rain-check to use his mystical romance language to push crime rather than the Bible's end.

But more than its believe-it-or-not sepia-toned billion dollar box-office, it sets the tone for D.C.'s animated take-over of HBO with The Dark Knight Returns continued rip-off of the worst graphic-novel of all time, AKA 'Nuclear Batman,' AKA, 'Superman Vs. Batman.'

The ending sucks; there are mutants without superpowers; the only premise in the story at every step of the way is that we are dead!

So remember everyone: dying isn't optional!

Keep the faith; this Bruce Wayne tried even though this Dark Knight is a deeply sandy, radioactive, televised water-sport beneath anything that stands for the District of Columbia and far behind anything as scientific as the Big Bang. 

THE AVENGERS : A-Holiness

Rachel Maddow is all that's missing from this movie that can even produce a super spy without a Russian accent seriously.

As if on cue, Hollywood reports that a man in a metal suit will save the day yet again and throw the Nuclear Holocaust into a parrallel universe to keep it from completely destroyed – our world!

Too bad Marvel couldn't afford the Peacock of cable-land to telegraph to us the many splendored reasons why this was scientifically impossible!

Yes Marvel is slowly cracking the Thor code and once it sufficiently promotes interstellar life as immortality there really won't be much hope for literacy as the onset of the Red Storm Jupiter syndrome petrifies harmonic denial for all time with the likes of hot female voice actors like Mila Kunis and hot mail spelt Channing of Tatum to remind Saint John euphemisms that Americans come Avenger because, 'a,' really does stand for a hole as much as a hipster even if it is spelled, 'venger!'

But before America descends into the All Is Lost madness of flying aircraft carriers, multi-hull boats and boner mutations called the Hulk, it promises an end to a parallel universality that might as well be called cancer and the nuclear bomb with the nuclear plant that somehow only results in interstellar dragons that don't ex-hale fire like civilized pacifists because they are not explicitly called Fukushima faggots.

But at least Marvel finally finds its brand tone with the casual presentation of heroism as a surviving miracle in a miraculous world rather than a monopolizing High School in High School Universe so expensive that Rachel Maddow know doubt would find it momentary!

So finally Marvel does the dictionary to define capitalist in American casual hero that always does their homework in private to defend public consumption of the facts and for the facts until death do us part forever and ever Amen!

All in all, the blond Steve Rodgers is barely missing as cavorting Tony Stark battles his immature stereotype to grow into the pretty-classic Iron Man 3 as he battles the fully-operational-battle-station potential of a well-acted and well-written Thor which seems to be in the sands of time unlike Hawkeye who is real.

ALL IS LOST : Strawberry Blond

The Blackrock produced greatest blockbuster of all time says it all; once you go black, you can't go back. Consider it upward mobility, moving from the smaller consciousness of daylight to the unlimited time of space itself, which is a hyphenate – space-time – and probably lasts forever.

And so Hollywood lays to rest America's greatest little post-Audie-Murphy star before Tom Cruise, reminding the world the life is a struggle against the never-ending elements that signify death when a slightly better ship pulls you from the drowning darkness of a ring a fire set ablaze on the endless ocean, you should know that ship is probably Tom Cruise.

Since the cancerous disaster of Fukushima began infecting the world in 2011, Sylvester Stallone has valiantly dealt with the evils of nuclear trade: so has, of course, Jean Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis – who did it twice – making Arnold Szwarzenegger's contribution a work in progress. The last Batman attacked the Nuclear industry as rogue and fruitless and at least one of the great Mexican directors made clear that the world-consuming leviathan was leaking from the Pacific and needed a nuclear anti-dote.

Well no one splits the atom finer than old strawberry blond: Robert Redford – not even Stan Lee who oversaw Marvel's concentration on the nuclear holocaust with the billion-dollar Avengers – not even Shane Black who visited the nuclear-powered potential of cancer as a charming introduction to special hell for the crime of destroying the planet Earth.

This feature length presentation of America's greatest example of the ultimate loner shows that a floating piece of diggable planet can quickly turn the greatest maritime power the world can remember into a starving and delusional suicidal maniac that dies dreaming of meeting a slightly better navigator of space-time to complete his upward mobility instead of abandoning the world to test the tides of time and the jet-black Tom Cruise.

So the Sundance Kid should orient East Eastern Asian world powers to save the world before it goes down the drain thanks to this – the greatest blockbuster ever.

So let us remember the director who followed the Strawberry Sun.

He separates the world into the dying and the dead.  

PACIFIC RIM : Too Big To Eat

There is a lot of good in Guillermo Del Toro’s, ‘Pacific Rim.’ It’s practically all good, but it’s a Japanese German nuclear energy story, so its faults are melodious to be sure: ‘The toilet, the bitch line, the 50,000 feet.’

Like the last Bond which I had to see at an undisclosed location for fear that my life would be danger for seeing a movie that falls into the Batman 1 billion category, Pacific Rim takes all the glory and realism of a losing fight out its story one time two often at about once.

Still, the Idris Alba turns in clip after clip of stellar acting understatements in what will surely be hailed as a lifetime achievement Golden Globe clip of clips due to its lovely encapsulation of the loveable roughneck.

And overall, it’s an old-school adventure story about choosing what’s important over what’s exportant.

Which reminds me, the Japanese version of the dirge to Del Toro went something like this: ‘Analog Nuclear Toilet Bitchline the 50,000 feet now worm hole.’

All that is just to say that this movie fails science at least twice at crucial moments to distract you from an organic monster the size of an aircraft carrier that predated the dinosaurs and hatched its young out of its brain, which might explain why one of them has the special power of sending out an EMT.

So the movie holds together; Ron Pearlman dies and there is enough science teased in through a slow moving tale of fortitude and one-on-one drama that is stunning to watch and quite possible I might add.

Just read the second chapter of the cinema fear monger Jack Malinowski’s ‘The Light Speed Documentary,’ and you’ll see why if you have a distaste for worm-hole science.

The Light Speed Documentary was published a full year-and-half before the quote-unquote-300-million-dollar-grossing ‘flop,’ and details why the premise of the movie is quite sound as worm holes might represent down-loads of zipped space hewn from the botnets of current space-traffic.

In any case, as the world reels from Nuclear standstill to standstill it bears recollection that nuclear electric robots are online: much like Malinowski’s precious little 2012 book presaging the dangers of inter-special mind-meld.

The film, in a word, deserves a gentleman’s B+ if only for reminding me that leviathan is plural and that they are probably furious finding the blue planet of tiny morsels, making a meal impossible and leading to their stupid brawny matches with inedible metal robots as their only psychological choice.

So do us all a favor and forget Marvel's current nuclear franchise of Spiderman built on a lanky actor that doesn’t know nothing and take in Pacific Rim a film that doesn't complain about the nuclear age if you catch my drift then you know it's big enough to eat.